I can't go to sleep, I've got conflicting interests in my mind.

I wonder if anyone from class is going to read this blog. It isn't part of the required blogs needed for the class, I'm just bored. Well, sleepless; it's 4am on Friday the 3rd and I've got so many assignments on my mind. That, and the thought of "what the hell am I doing with myself at this point in life?" I've been working on a GIS project for the past 4 hours, semi-stuck at it during the whole time, and then I decided for my brain to relax and possibly reset itself for better operation for my project so I rest on a couch here at the annex. And that idea only worked for a half hour.

I slept, but then was woken after some people passed me by not even making that much noise. When I woke up, I immediately thought, "I want to take a road trip up to Seattle, go through Northern California, through Oregon along I-5, and just take it easy and sight see. And if I could I'd like to share it with some friends. Only a few things wrong with that: I'd like to do this with some mellow friends (I'm not sure if I have those) and I don't talk to my friends much about this; one of the only times I had, no one seemed interested.

Another thing that was on my mind when I woke up, girls and relationships. I'm missing out.

Something to keep this post relevant to 414, my creative project proposal:

My creative project is going to focus on how the sound of waves crashing on the beach can be so soothing. I find it very interesting that something so massive and potentially dangerous to man can make them feel at ease and secure. I'm pretty sure I can find some psychic information about why people like to hear and see waves crashing on the beach, and, along with my PowerPoint presentation I plan on displaying this with, I plan to include beach/ocean sound effects and possible light background instrumental music. I might even try to put together a spray bottle with salt water in order to recreate the scent of salt spray from the ocean in the classroom. I'm still trying to determine how to integrate different cultural views of seaside/ocean side life into the presentation as I'm certain that's how I'll have to relate my impression of those certain beach aspects to others' impressions of those beach aspects.

But back on topics on my mind: my family; I can't believe my parents have been able to live for as long as they have. Nobody's sick, but I'm grateful for circumstances that have followed through in my life so far to allow them to stay.

Life, and where I choose to go with it: I don't know. I just want to sit and observe all around me and enjoy what I see on and around this earth.

I'm 22 and think that these past 5 years have unfairly gone by too fast for me to enjoy. Part of it is my fault, I've held myself back in allowing myself to enjoy what's around me, or what I naturally like.

I believe I'm here on this earth to just live some life, hold some responsibilities as I live it, such as hold a job, start a family, raise it, and do odds and ends things in between to make my life and those around me as wholesome as possible.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has these ideals in their head, I'm pretty sure others do too but I do feel these so deeply sometimes that I think I'm the only one far off in my own space to enjoy it. It's good and bad at the same time.

Myers-Briggs Temperment Indicator: INFP. That description suits me, but I'm trying to give it a good name. Sometimes I wish I were an INTP however, like my father.

I guess I'm good with this post. But I want to post the songs I've been listening to as I've been typing this up.
Currently listening to: Jimmy Eat World- Bleed American, Chevelle- Panic Prone, The Verve- Bittersweet Symphony, The Kooks- Stormy Weather, Genius- Don't Bring Me Down, Staind- Right Here, Chevelle- Closure.







This one:




or try this one:

My Dream blog

One of my dreams that I can remember is a recent one that has occurred to me as I've been on this Thanksgiving break, and it involves me milling around some building (I think at a college) alone, something similar to the administrative building that's on this campus, and I was wandering around in it walking up and down stairs, walking down a few halls, and trying to open a few doors to conference rooms to find some people I knew. I can't remember whom exactly I was trying to find, but I think I was trying to find a class that I had to attend at six at night there or I was trying to find some friends whom happened to be in one of those rooms. I remember trying to open a door that was either locked or unlocked, I couldn't tell if it was either; I gave up on it halfway trying to check. I felt discouraged from trying because I thought that I was late in trying to get to class/find my friends. Then as I turn to leave I find this one guy chillin about 5 feet away from me, looking at me as if I had done something funny. He then said to me something like, “Dude, stop sleeping during the day, you've got a lot of work to do still.” And he said this with a smile and proceeded to pass me and (I assume) wait in front of the door that I was just at as if someone were going to meet him there. After he spoke those words to me, I just nodded my head and said, “Yeah, you're right,” and then I headed for the stairs I had came down earlier. The guy that spoke to me was this one really short guy that suffered from dwarfism that I know I had seen somewhere else earlier in my life.

I think what that little scene meant was was for me to stop being depressed and trying to sleep the day away here at college because that's what I tend to do over at one of the study rooms on one of the comfy couches. Some people have noticed I do it regularly and now they ask my whereabouts if I'm not sleeping on the couch at certain times of the day. I think it was significant that this person was in my dream telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself and take charge of what I do because it looks like (whenever I had seen the guy in real life) this other person had gone through more adversity than what I have gone through, and that I should be able to take care of myself. I think I'm starting to wise up that I'm not in a bad situation that I think I am and that I should be able to talk to other people instead of distance myself from them and start to live life.




O/T: I want to listen to some Jimmy Eat World, so here I go:

My Camus, question #4

This sounds like a tough question: How do you think we should handle relating to someone whose actions or beliefs we disapprove of? If I want to answer this simplistically, I would say that I would act unhappy and ignore or not pay attention to whatever the person was doing or saying.

This method of action however changes if I cannot avoid it, though. If I was in a situation to where, like Daru, I had to take in a prisoner for a while whom had committed a crime similar to the Arab's, I don't know what I would do. I believe I would only give the prisoner the essentials they need to get by while under my watch, but I don't know if I would be as humanistic as Daru. Some variables that would help me change my mind though would be if I found out the crime wasn't actually severe (such as a person stealing a candy bar from the checkout stand) or if the perpetrator was seriously remorseful for what they had done, whichever crime it was. Also, if I found out that if the person actually had a valid reason for committing their crime (such as murder as an act of immediate self-defense in order to not be killed themselves or stealing medicine in order to immediately save someone else's life), then I would probably open up a lot more to the person. At that point I'm not even sure I would call them a criminal, but more like a person that had to react in a quick fashion in order to survive in the world, no harm, no foul.

One thing I would make sure of though would be that my feelings or emotions were not getting played, because there have been instances where I've let my guard down and misunderstood words or actions that I thought were in my best interest (probably because those word or actions were what I wanted to hear or see). Then I would feel like a fool for doing whatever it was I did and then I would clam up. In light of that, especially when taking in a prisoner, I would end up keeping some kind of defensive weapon nearby, like a knife or a gun, because if I was being taken advantage of without knowing it, the consequences could be a lot more severe for me if I wasn't prepared.

But what if I didn't have this prisoner situation and more likely had to deal with a boss or co-worker that I didn't like? Well, maybe I would try to find out why they were acting in that way, like try to talk to them or other co-workers about what background information they know about the person. If trying to relate or be friendly wouldn't work with them, then I would let them know that I'm not happy with them and that they'd better watch what they're doing around me (however, I realize, if I tried to say that to my boss, it wouldn't work out- in that case, I would probably hit up HR or someone else that could help the situation). I would not act violent or cause physical harm (that would put me in even hotter water than what I would want) but I would stand my ground and make it be known that I shouldn't be crossed with. Normally, I don't think I would ever come across situations that would make me consider leaving, but if there was a serious situation that needed me to leave my job, I would do it. Something like a serious ethical or financial mismanagement in the workplace would get me packing.

As far as emulating Daru's style of handling a not so favorable situation, I guess I would be as humanistic as possible toward others, whatever the situation is. But I've learned that it's not always the best method to use, so I constantly stay alert to whether or not my method is working; if it wouldn't be, then I would step it up and find a method that would.

The most interesting man in the world, err "Guest"

The character who interested me the most was Daru. He acted in the most passive way possible, and I imply it in a negative way. I mean, he probably had no choice but to take the Arab prisoner over to the imprisoning waiting party (thanks to his country's military), but as he leads the prisoner out along the trail, he decides to leave him there alone and walk back to his schoolhouse. And to add insult to injury, for not completing his task he receives a death threat by the party whom he was trying to please.

One thing I don’t understand is how he could be a pushover to the Arab. He knows the Arab killed his cousin for some meager reason and even admits his own hatred toward the Arab for the crime he had done, but wimped out at taking him over for detention for what seems like a version of “Stockholm Syndrome”. I really don’t know why this guy decided to do this, because even though anyone can act humanistic and kind when they want to be, inhumane acts that have been done by the same person should not be forgotten or ignored, especially if the acts were really heinous. Daru lost sight of that, and gave into his “brotherly love” mood. And then he got a death threat.

Now, I know Daru was pushed over by Balducci for having custody of the Arab, but if Daru was as loyal to his country as it seemed like he was he would’ve simply finished his duty and taken the prisoner over to where he was needed. It sounded like he especially wanted to do the job after learning of why he needed to take the prisoner over. At least this would make his death not totally uncalled for.

Basically, this story tells me you can't please everyone, and when you do, you end up hurting yourself. In this case however, Daru tried so hard, he killed himself.

multifaceted objectivity with others

I guess an experience I can talk about where I had to be objective with a stranger comes from last Wednesday morning when I went to McDonald's for breakfast and was communicating with the cashier. I know that cashiers are supposed to be friendly and welcoming to the customers every time they take an order, but at 6 in the morning with no other customers around (except for me) it still startled me that the cashier was as conscientious to me as she was (maybe I'm just used to meeting the cashiers stuck in the middle of their shift concentrating on 5 different customers' orders when they're already under a lot of stress and not as friendly). I remember walking up to the front of the counter and explaining my order in a pleasant tone, but one thing I noticed about myself was that I didn't make solid eye contact with her. It's not that there was something wrong with the cashier, but more something wrong with me. (I just don't like making direct eye-to-eye contact with people like I used to; I believe I have a trust issue with others. Family, friends, strangers, you name it- I can't bear to look others in the eye out of fear.)

So she takes my order and finishes the transaction. I wait a little longer and I receive my food. The conversation is over at that point, and then I begin to wonder why I can't look her in the eye and give her my order. As much as I want to try to figure it out, I think I already know the answer- I just don't want to fess up to it. And this interaction that I had with the cashier is my day-to-day interaction I have with everyone I meet – parents, schoolteachers, classmates; I'm not fairly comfortable around others when I probably should be. I believe I project my insecurities on others and give them an unfair chance at having an objective communication with me. To me, this is an example of me going through the motions of life during the day and not actually stopping to make more meaningful interactions with others around me.

As stated earlier, this projection I put on others is done with my friends and family; any one of them (mom, dad, sister, engineering classmate) I don't let get near me. I put up a wall and carry on my daily routine trying to busy myself with projects and homework that I need to get done for school. But because of this, I often feel lonely. I guess I gave up on opening myself up to others because I always ended up getting betrayed or left behind or hurt somehow. A deep hurt. And I figured it's not worth going through over and over again with others so I just close myself up and let no one near me; for the most part, my mind's gotten used to this style of living and I keep functioning daily like this; I believe that if I really was fooling myself that I'd mentally breakdown somehow, and since I haven't yet, I guess this form of living isn't that detrimental.

I've also (sorta) come to the conclusion- and this may be slightly off-topic- that emotion has no measurable value- what I mean is, unlike a liquid or a solid that can be measured in volume or centimeters with tangible, visible tools, emotion cannot. It is, in a sense, subjective. There's no scale to measure 'love' of any sort (be it with your family or friends or other acquaintances) and you have to rely on hearsay from the other person (aka, take their word) in order to solidify its meaning. That's what I don't like about (well, in particular) emotion. And I can even stretch this out to love. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and sister as much as I possibly can, as well as my relatives and friends, but I don't want to have to use emotion as a tool; rather, concrete knowledge and intellect in its place.

I'm probably being cynical (and self-detrimental), but that's the way I'm seeing it.

But to close this post, you do need to be objective with a person, in order to build the best possible relation you can with them. I guess what I don't want to have happen is let emotion overtake the relationship and obscure it into something it's not, especially when it can let a person down.






O/T: Some Hoobastank for you guys.

My style of music.

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Chevelle - Panic Prone





I guess the one song that has had a large influence in my world view has been the song “Panic Prone” by Chevelle. I first heard it back when I was in high school in the spring of 2005 and it was during a time of my life where I had all this emotion overruning my attitude and self-esteem that when I tried to accomplish things on a day to day basis, it was challenging. I'll admit, some of the challenge was good for me to grow as a person, but a lot of the time, trying to face up to the challenge didn't make me feel like myself. Before this whole life changing incidence, I was much more grounded with my thinking, where I was able to use more of my head and not my emotions to make my decisions for whatever I wanted. Then all of a sudden, I was starting to reach this period of artistic enlightenment, where I was getting really into music and I was starting to get in touch with my sensitive side.

So a lot of the music I began listening to was emo or morose in some way, and this song Panic Prone was as morose as it could be. I think the reason why I began to like this song was because I was going through some family issues and friend issues that really shook me up, and I could always identify with the way the lead singer Pete Loeffler emotionally carried out the lyrics to the song. The brooding, sorrowing longing that this guy sang about would always pull me in and force me to sit and listen to the whole song. The guitar chords that would suddenly blare after being much more quiet earlier in the song made me think about how badly I wanted to become loud and shout out my problems to the world. And then as the guitar chords came to a much more stable but noticeable chorus, it would remind me of how if the song represented me that this portion would represent how much stronger and solid a person I would become after releasing out all the emotion and anguish I had bottled up inside quietly for so long.

For the next 5 years this would become the music I would retreat to, as the emotive songs would keep me relating to the bands about the issues I would deal with and make me feel like I'm not the only one that goes through those issues. This made me more of a fan of the band Chevelle, as a lot of their songs from many of their albums play along those lines of artistic expression. Other bands like Breaking Benjamin and Snow Patrol (although Snow Patrol isn't known for a heavy sound) have the emotional expression that defines me as a person as well, and it's very refreshing to listen to music from other sources of music that can make a person relate. As lowly and depressive as this music is, I enjoy it, and I know that it can signal to others that I may be a depressive person, but I don't care. I LOVE this music, and it's not like I'll listen to it all the time; sometimes I'll want to listen to something happier like a contemporary pop or adult alternative song, or in other cases I'll take rap, hip-hop, or country. But the style of music I'll always come back to is this: hard, transcending rock with strong, emotive, angst filled voices that follow through from the start of a song until the end. It makes me feel great and it keeps me looking forward for things to come.




OT (sorta): other songs on my mind lately...


Aphasia - Flatline



Linkin Park - Crawling



Stroke 9 - Kick Some Ass



Smashing Pumpkins - Mayonaise



Snow Patrol - How to be Dead

I'm eventually going to get on that "my music" blog

DJ Shadow's effect on me

My favorite song was The Number Song. Why? I don't know. I think it's because of the rhythm and beat it produces; it reminds me of an intro song used to welcome the home team of a football or baseball game, like the “Yeah! Let's go get them!” kind of song. It's supposed to evoke hope and preparation for the fans and the players for a good game. It also reminds me of said game where I'm in the stands enjoying a hot dog and soda watching the players on the field. Basically, this song reminds me of a good time out watching a sports game. It gives me feelings of invigoration, adrenaline, and a fun atmosphere, preferably one where I'm watching a baseball game at night surrounded by friends.


There were some other good songs on the album too. Building Steam with a Grain of Salt was a pretty moving song, as the beat was pretty deep and melancholy, but it was addicting; along with trying to add speeches of eventual success or higher meaning, it was enough to put me in a content trance. Listening to the nearly 7 minute song left me in a state of suspension, where I was solely focused on hearing the song and drifting myself off into a mental place other than where I was. Another good song was How Deep is Your Soul (Blue Sky Remix): this song was more dreamlike and, in some ways, more positive than the original song of the first same name. It left me thinking of me floating in the clouds on a moonlit night, surrounded by other friends looking around at what we were a part of, waiting for the morning to come so we could finally start doing what we all want to accomplish.


This album was a pretty good album; it may not be the best in my book, but it was definitely one that got my mind turning and wandering into states that I normally come into when I'm dreaming, and for that, I appreciate it.

Comparing Phil in Groundhog Day to me (with more emphasis on me)

The relation about Phil's humanistic journey to the journey about me trying to exit the cave and see the light is that Phil was at least able to exit the cave and accept his transformation into the person he became; I, on the other hand, am fighting against that transformation because I'm wondering whether or not it is the most just, ultimate path that I should be taking as a human being or not. I guess I like being the devil's advocate, but I don't like taking the same old beaten path that everyone else takes traveling through life; I like to be unique, kinda like those goth kids from South Park who try to be “nonconformists” (and it's especially hard trying to be a nonconformist among other people you notice who are also nonconformists when you all yield the same answers for issues and take the same plan of action to work on them). I guess I don't want to go along that same path of enlightenment because I already know what's along the journey (or at least, I believe I've seen enough stories about what occurs along those journeys and what the end result entails for those journeys) and I don't want to be a part of that story; I just want to blaze my own path and do something that nobody else has done. I would like to make my own mark on this earth that would help out the human race somehow but in a field that needs attention to that no one else has really tackled on, which is why I don't want to be thinking the same way like anybody else out on the street or anybody else that has a similar personality to mine. As far as what's concerned of me, crawling through this cave has been much more difficult than it would probably be because of the extra weight I've put on myself in order to exit it, and I'm hoping that when I do exit it that I will appreciate the light much more than I would if I didn't set up all these traps and weights for myself.

Actually, I take that back: I'm probably already out of the cave and understand enlightenment, but I'm stuck outside watching from behind a tree as other people are exiting the same cave and coming to the same conclusions about enlightenment as they see the light; I'm beginning to wonder if that light is supposed to be interpreted in the way that everyone concluding at, or whether or not there's another answer. And that's why I won't go back into the cave with my information; I don't know whether or not I should be following that crowd back with a group-consensus decision or if I'm needed to come to a different conclusion.

My relation to Plato's Cave

After reading “Plato's Cave”, the first thing that popped in my head as far as how the story relates to an event in my life is when I came to the realization that life is all relative: there's no real point in living it, no one or no physical “higher being” that forces you to do such and such before you die, but that you're here on this planet, in this galaxy, living as a human being - by chance - and that you've got to figure out what you would like to do on this planet before you die. This conceptual view of mine probably began early on in my life when I was in either kindergarten or first grade and I started to notice that despite how connected I was with my peers, I could never always enjoy being around their company. Instead, I was more happy thinking about fantasy and the “what-ifs” that this world had to offer. I was distancing myself from others and began looking at myself as a point in time, thinking “OK, so I'm here in my classroom surrounded by other kids: who ARE they? What is their purpose on this earth? What IS this earth? Is this just an illusion? Am I dreaming, or is this somebody else's dream? What's the point of doing what we do?” I believe that in separating myself from others at the time I helped myself learn some perspective about living my life throughout my elementary and middle school years; the conclusion I came to was to live life to the fullest with those around me and enjoy as much as I can while I can.


When I entered high school, I believe that the whole concept of life for me began to sour a bit, as I was only able to enjoy few select moments while in that institution. It probably goes the same for everybody else also, but during those four years, I started questioning the whole concept of life again. Sure, I was doing academically well in school, but the social aspects of school and home were knocking at my door much harder than it was while I was growing up through elementary and middle school. The old conclusion of trying to “enjoy life to the fullest” was coming into conflict with the experience I was going through during those 4 years. Friends were either hard to come by or were not friends at all, pressures at home were mounting for what reason, I don't know, but it became increasingly difficult to talk to my parents about anything that was going on with me, and it was from these letdowns that trying to do my daily tasks became exhausting to do. It wasn't until I was nearing high school graduation that I began looking at a brighter side of life, thinking “Hey, once I get out of here I'll finally not be controlled by this godforsaken social combine!” ...I was half right, half wrong.


Have you ever heard of the song “High School Never Ends” by Bowling for Soup? It's about how all of the stupid, menial stuff that becomes glorified and publicized during high school shows up again on a much larger scale in TV shows, newspapers, and other savvy media dispensaries in the real world. It's the information that doesn't make a difference for issues in the long run, such as global poverty, the threat of an asteroid hitting this earth, or how we need to solve this social security problem we're gonna face in this country in the next 20 years. This type of information was EXACTLY what I ran into when I first came to this college 4 years ago, and I still notice it today but I don't let it get to me. It wasn't the only thing to bother me and dash my hopes of freedom when I first entered college: the second was social pressure. The pressure to conform. The pressure to think a certain way, to act a certain way, and to live a certain way. San Francisco is a PRIME example of one of those cities, and there are many times when I can't stand it. For as “open-minded” as it wants to be, if you don't agree with someone that has the same mind-frame of what's socially perceived of this city – to be accepting of everybody, despite race, religion, or sexual orientation; or that gasoline is the evil from which we need to save ourselves from - they call you dumb and ignore your point of view because they think THEY'RE right and YOU'RE wrong, and that's that. I bear with this more often than not, but it STILL gets to me how some people are so strong-headed with their convictions that they will NOT consider the other person's opinion, even if they were listening to the others point of view. And it is from this that I have used the conclusion of life is: it's all relative. Anybody can be right, anybody can be wrong; it's all in the hand of the one who wins.

To be truthful or not...

Oh god; it's the first assignment and I'm expected to delve right into the subject of truth and if the truth quotes had inspired my mind. How coercive.

I do admit though, I don't mind talking about the subject of truth; it's just that this kind of subject is one I have already discussed amongst myself and believe that, as important as it is, it's not worth all the time in the world to pick apart and showcase under a microscope. I think topics such as world relations or new technologies that would help further mankind are worth more time to pick apart than a concept that people should already inherently understand and actively live by. BUT, I will try to go through this anyway.

The 'concept of truth' is important in itself because it's a guideline followed by people in order to keep their souls guilt-free and further simplify life around them. For most people, truth is the ideal that they will abide by just because it is easy to follow through with and it's smiled upon by the 'socially correct/ ethically elite' amongst populations. But what if fiction is easier than truth; meaning, what if lying is easier than truth, or if it's more necessary than 'truth'? What if you need to lie in order to keep a more cohesive, happier reality? Here are some examples of what I mean: what if you're girlfriend asks you, as she squeezes her slightly larger-than-normal butt into a dress, if it indeed looks big? What would you say? Or, what would you do if your mother asks you one morning if you snuck out of the house the night before when you were grounded, but you did it only in order to help out a crying friend? What would you tell her then? Or even a little more personal: what if your baby brother asks you why your dad left home a year ago and hasn't come back? Would these be appropriate times to apply 'truth'?

I do believe that there are times and places to use 'truth', but it isn't necessary doable all the time, or can even be considered an option. One of the quotes on the truth quotes page, the Clarence S. Darrow quote, “The truth shall set you free...”- what if it can't? I mean, define 'free' in this instance: if I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place where lying will leave me with a slowly rotting soul or truth will leave me with losing everyone I love, would truth really be that worth it?

And then I look at all the quotes one more time. Collectively, all these truth quotes honor and praise the value of truth, but honestly, who came up with the conclusion that we're better off with it? Sometimes, perception is better than reality. And, as one famous quote goes, “perception IS reality.” As much as I do believe in the system of keeping truth and honor, I don't believe that truth should be sitting as high upon the pedestal it does before other alternatives (namely lying) are weighed out against it.