I guess an experience I can talk about where I had to be objective with a stranger comes from last Wednesday morning when I went to McDonald's for breakfast and was communicating with the cashier. I know that cashiers are supposed to be friendly and welcoming to the customers every time they take an order, but at 6 in the morning with no other customers around (except for me) it still startled me that the cashier was as conscientious to me as she was (maybe I'm just used to meeting the cashiers stuck in the middle of their shift concentrating on 5 different customers' orders when they're already under a lot of stress and not as friendly). I remember walking up to the front of the counter and explaining my order in a pleasant tone, but one thing I noticed about myself was that I didn't make solid eye contact with her. It's not that there was something wrong with the cashier, but more something wrong with me. (I just don't like making direct eye-to-eye contact with people like I used to; I believe I have a trust issue with others. Family, friends, strangers, you name it- I can't bear to look others in the eye out of fear.)
So she takes my order and finishes the transaction. I wait a little longer and I receive my food. The conversation is over at that point, and then I begin to wonder why I can't look her in the eye and give her my order. As much as I want to try to figure it out, I think I already know the answer- I just don't want to fess up to it. And this interaction that I had with the cashier is my day-to-day interaction I have with everyone I meet – parents, schoolteachers, classmates; I'm not fairly comfortable around others when I probably should be. I believe I project my insecurities on others and give them an unfair chance at having an objective communication with me. To me, this is an example of me going through the motions of life during the day and not actually stopping to make more meaningful interactions with others around me.
As stated earlier, this projection I put on others is done with my friends and family; any one of them (mom, dad, sister, engineering classmate) I don't let get near me. I put up a wall and carry on my daily routine trying to busy myself with projects and homework that I need to get done for school. But because of this, I often feel lonely. I guess I gave up on opening myself up to others because I always ended up getting betrayed or left behind or hurt somehow. A deep hurt. And I figured it's not worth going through over and over again with others so I just close myself up and let no one near me; for the most part, my mind's gotten used to this style of living and I keep functioning daily like this; I believe that if I really was fooling myself that I'd mentally breakdown somehow, and since I haven't yet, I guess this form of living isn't that detrimental.
I've also (sorta) come to the conclusion- and this may be slightly off-topic- that emotion has no measurable value- what I mean is, unlike a liquid or a solid that can be measured in volume or centimeters with tangible, visible tools, emotion cannot. It is, in a sense, subjective. There's no scale to measure 'love' of any sort (be it with your family or friends or other acquaintances) and you have to rely on hearsay from the other person (aka, take their word) in order to solidify its meaning. That's what I don't like about (well, in particular) emotion. And I can even stretch this out to love. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and sister as much as I possibly can, as well as my relatives and friends, but I don't want to have to use emotion as a tool; rather, concrete knowledge and intellect in its place.
I'm probably being cynical (and self-detrimental), but that's the way I'm seeing it.
But to close this post, you do need to be objective with a person, in order to build the best possible relation you can with them. I guess what I don't want to have happen is let emotion overtake the relationship and obscure it into something it's not, especially when it can let a person down.
O/T: Some Hoobastank for you guys.
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